Vatheon Voicemail

[feralfanatic]

You have reached the Communication Device of the Disciple.

I am sorry. It looks like I am unable to answer at the moment.

Please leave a message, and I will get back to you.

Comments

[aim_exorable]

[It's a good thing she pulls herself out of her self scolding, because by the time she comes back, Darkleer is at the front door, staring at the doorknob. It's obvious he's taking deep thought on whether or not he should just leave. When he hears her, however, he jerks his head up. There's a towel wrapped around his hands to keep the blood from getting anywhere, and his shoulders are hunched as he stares at her. He's nearly as skittish as a frightened horse.]

[He doesn't say anything.]

[feralfanatic]

[Oh gods, see? Chasing him away because you could not control yourself. A stab of pain forms in her gut seeing him at the door. If he left now, who knows when she would see him again?]

Darkleer... Please... at least let me treat your wound.

[She holds up the first-aid kit.]

[aim_exorable]

[It's more that he's just become very bad with relationship issues, and tends to try and run away from them. It's not a solution, it's just... He can think when he's not immediately confronted with it, right?]

[Of course, he tends to put himself with the wrong train of thought.]

I... I have a medical kit in my sylladex. I wouldn't want to waste any of your own supplies.

[At least he steps away from the door, however.]

They aren't that bad, anyway. Shallow and small.

[feralfanatic]

[She cannot help herself, seeing him being his stubborn self brings a small smile to her face, finally cracking the blank mask she had donned.]

Oh please, they just throw free stuff at you here, you are wasting nothing.

Come here, let us have a look at them.

[She gestures to the sink.]

[aim_exorable]

[There's a bit of hesitance but then he moves away, unwrapping the towel. There are small spots of blue on it, but it's nothing big. At least with that he was telling the truth. He's suffered worse from engineering and it shows with the many other scars on his fingers and palm.]

[Holding them over the sink, he stews on his words before eventually speaking up.]

I don't want to ruin things with you, like with... Psiioniic.

[feralfanatic]

[She takes her time, cleaning the wound, applying antiseptic and dressing it. She is still holding onto his bandaged had when she finally speaks up, her tone hard to read.]

Why do you think that will happen?

[aim_exorable]

It is what occurred before- not just with one, but with two people, with the same event. It occurred when I was trying to do as a proper moirail does.

I haven't had a moirail before... Maybe it's for good reason.

[feralfanatic]

I cannot speak for whoever they were, perhaps they were not ready for a moirallegiance. All I can really do is tell you how I feel, and be straight with you. I have said too much already so I might as well keep talking or I might just stop, and light knows when I will ever be able to speak of this again.

[Disciple continues to hold onto the life preserver that was his bandaged hand.]

For awhile now, you and I have been good friends, and I cherish that friendship, it is one of the most valuable things I have down here in the bubble. The last thing I would want to do would be to jeopardize it.

I am not really sure when I first noticed it, but my feelings towards you started to change. I told myself they were not pale, that I was just becoming a closer friend, but I was lying to myself. A sudden desire to make sure you are happy, even at my own expense, to make sure you are protected from others and yourself, To be there if you ever needed me, no matter the cause... and in return, I have come to rely on you.

At this point, Darkleer, I cannot imagine the bubble without you... if you were not here, the things I would have succumb to, the people I would have hurt...

[A heavy sigh. Maybe she was talking too much nonsense.]

I am sorry if you do not feel the same way. I do not mean to put you on the spot or anything, but It meant too much for me to just ignore it any longer. If... you do not feel the same, at all, and I have been misreading all of this, just say so. I will drop this forever, and we can go back to what we had before, or at least try to. But, if you feel the same way as I do, even just a little bit... I think we could have something wonderful, if we only were to give it a chance.

[And she quits speaking, fairly spent emotionally. She is just staring at the large hand she is still grasping, unable to look anywhere else. Time itself seemed to be slowing down for her, waiting for the response.]

[aim_exorable]

[He listens. With all she has done for him, and all she means to his entire life, it is the very least he could do. It was his intent to let her down as gently as he possibly could if it were true. But it is true, she is telling him right now, and somehow he just cannot bring himself to outright reject her. It's almost frightening.]

[His mouth feels thick and cumbersome inside his mouth, unable to form words, but Darkleer tries to work past it.]

I'm... still not sure what you mean to me. You changed everything. Is it because of that that I care for you so much? I think from the start... I was resolved to protect you no matter what because I had given up all that I had. That wouldn't be a proper moiraillegience, would it? I wouldn't be able to make you happy...

[feralfanatic]

[An answer, one that was not an outright no. She released a breath she was not aware she had been holding. Though it seems she still had some work to do.]

I... I may be a bit rusty with the quadrants, they are something I have not had the luxury to dabble with in a long time. What you are describing; a troll giving up on their old life, changing what they stood for, going against orders just to save them, and then to go on and protect them to the best of his ability. That sounds almost storybook.

And as to whether or not you could make me happy...

[She places and arm on his shoulder, reassuringly.]

You already have.

[aim_exorable]

I wasn't pale for you then...

[Of that, he's fairly certain. He knows the old cliches too. It wasn't some long lingering moment where he could feel his heart swell and ache. More like being burned- quick and sharp, lingering even when you instinctively jerked away from that which burned you. Only he hadn't moved away quick enough, when it came to her.]

[The hand on his shoulder makes him glance up at her, fleetingly, from behind the safety of his glasses. Then he's jerking his head away, stomach twisting.]

I made him happy as well, I like to think. Yet in the end, I still did something that ruined things between us forever.

[feralfanatic]

[Well, it certainly seemed that if she were to pursue him, that she needed to know more about what had transpired with his previous attempted moirail.]

If it is okay with you, I would like to hear about what happened.

[aim_exorable]

[Should he? Darkleer can faintly recall frantically trying to explain himself to those who were involved, trying to make them understand. His matesprit dead and not immediately coming back, having just killed the Highblood, all of that... Just thinking about it makes him tired. He raises a hand to press at his eyes, knuckles bumping into his glasses.]

Do you know who I was pale for last...?

[feralfanatic]

[Disciple had been in one of her reclusive moods around then, so no, she had not really heard much about it.]

I... confess that I do not.

[aim_exorable]

Psiioniic.

[It isn't fair- he can still feel his heart twist painfully thinking about him.]

I was one of the few who immediately got to him when he first arrived here in the city. I didn't expect to deal with him much again, but then Equius accidentally ordered him to the hive, and, we simply began to meet more often.

[feralfanatic]

[Oh. She could certainly see the difficulties that might arise from that. The Psii in the bubble was not the Psii she remembered. His time after the death of Signless changed him worse then her own exile.]

[There was much more to this story, however. She keeps her hand and his arm and urges him to continue with a small nod and a slight smile.]

[aim_exorable]

[The prompt does its job. It might still be a sensitive wound, as Darkleer is certainly one to linger on thoughts and feelings, and it hurts thinking on it. Still, she wants to know.]

At first it was simply an excuse to get out of the hive- and he was clever. Very clever, and if we stuck to questions of logic and science and technology, he could speak for ages. We used to have tea at a cafe... He always chose chamomile, because it is what I gave him our second meeting.

[A pause.]

It was easy to speak to him, not least of all that I knew he would not spill any secrets I entrusted to him. At first because I thought his Helmsman programming would defer to my blood, then because I thought it simply not his nature, and then I even entertained the idea that he cared for me. My conflict over what was right and proper, my uncertainty regarding Lysunder- he knew it. He was so soft and quiet.

[The more he talks the more his free hand goes to some of the hair that drapes across his chest. Periodically, he seems to tug at it, wrapping it around his fingers, tugging some more. A truly nervous habit he doesn't like to show.]

How could any not pity him? I never even knew him much before, but even I had heard the stories, had seen some of his skill in action. He was so quiet, now, after so long of talking with him I simply couldn't help but want to protect him. I thought I was protecting him...

[A particularly harsh tug.]

I proposed to him. Everyone was always insinuating a relationship anyway, and he seemed content when we were with one another. But he rejected me out of his own insecurities, at least that is what I was told. Perhaps it was a bad idea to try and coax it into a quadrant despite what others said. I thought we could still be friend if nothing else...

[feralfanatic]

[Oh, And here she was having chamomile, reminding him of all of this. Disciple resolved to find a different tea for when they were together.]

[She could also fully understand the pity he felt for Psii, like he said, who could not? Then there was the last bit he said. With a bit of a bitter thought, she considered how practically word for word it was something she might be saying to someone else down the line about what transpired today. She shakes her out of her train of thought, it would just lead to more self-hatred.]

[And again there was still more to be told. This time she tilts her head onto his arm, and waits for him to continue, not wanting to interrupt his flow.]

[aim_exorable]

[Now that he's started, it's almost difficult to stop. He's wanted to talk about this for so long, but the one person he could pour out to had left him. For his own good, yes, but still.]

Then there was Mindfang- younger, then how she is now, and we have a history- we always have a history. [A tired note creeps into his voice, and he can't get rid of it.] But she and him began to get closer. I almost didn't think anything of it, but she started to become interested in him as well...

He even made her a pile.

Which she invited me to.

...It was complicated, and aggravating, but maybe.. Maybe we could have worked things out. I'm not sure. He was complicated to begin with, and Mindfang has a habit of throwing wrenches into plans.

But.

[Another pause. A rather lengthy one, in fact, and he tugs so hard on his hair that a couple of loose strands are pulled out and hang limply across his knuckles.]

One day, I tried calling Summoner but he would not respond. I went searching and eventually found his blood on the island. He and the Highblood have always had an odd relationship, I shouldn't have thought twice about it but I was hoping it wasn't what I knew deep down was true... I tried to ask for information, and for a few, I told them of my suspicions.

Psiioniic among them.

I told many I would not go after him, and I half believed myself. I thought better control of myself. But Psiioniic didn't want me to confront him. Normally, I could listen, and he had held me back from violent impulses before, but, it... It was just yellow text at the time. I was just so angry, and I was trying hard not to be, everything felt far away. I was responding to every little text response telling me not to confront him but they simply were not getting through.

It did not help that this was not the first time the Highblood had hurt those close to me... He had set off the chucklevoodoos in Equius' mind, and had attacked Gamzee. Lysunder was the last straw, and when he showed me how he had torn off his wings and kept them over video-

[His voice cuts out on him, half remembered despair flooding him, and half rage that's honestly still fresh. Talking just isn't happening anymore, not with how tightly his throat is closing in on itself. Disciple might be able to feel him shaking slightly beneath her touch with the two intense emotions even as he struggles to keep his face stoic.]

[feralfanatic]

[A pit starts to form in her gut the more he speaks, hearing the tale of how everything went down. The further in the story he gets the more she is enveloped by a sympathetic misery. To have to go through all of that, and to bottle it up all inside...]

[When the topic turns to Lysunder's death, and she feels him shaking though, that finally sets her off.]

[Before she fully realizes what exactly she was doing, she maneuvers around to his front, and despite their difference in size, the oliveblood reaches up to place hands on either side of his neck, in an attempt to reassure him.]

Shhh, its okay... you do not need to say any more. I understand.[She tries to smile, despite herself.]

I know first-hand how difficult it is to lose control of yourself like that. I know it all too well, in fact. That stinging deep inside you feel, knowing you were not strong enough control yourself, knowing that you are capable of hurting those around you. It is a wound that never fully heals, because every time you see those you hurt, it just opens right back up...

It... is why I am so glad I got the opportunity to know you. When Signless was drowned by Him, and I... lost myself, you were there to save me... For what little it is worth, I am sorry I was not there to save you in return.

[aim_exorable]

I just wanted to protect him...

[His voice is small and tight. It's all he can force out. It's the truth, after all. Certainly, there were other things at play- his relationship with the Grand Highblood is old and complicated. But he did want to protect Psiioniic. Psiioniic, Equius, Gamzee, Nepeta... All of them.]

[As she touches him, his shoulders go limp and he can't help but lean closer against it. The more she speaks, the more he feels something in him twist. None of them had understood, maybe because they weren't highbloods or hadn't had the beast go after their loved ones, but she...]

[She understands.]

They didn't either... He didn't. He kept blaming himself, and nothing I said seemed to make any difference. None of the others.... They wanted me to just leave him alone. Because I was making things worse.

Drat! I was gonna use that icon next. I like yours better though.

[feralfanatic]

Darkleer...

[Her voice drops a little, thick with compassion.]

This entire time... you have been dwelling on all of this; Trying to help but being unable to do so, not getting any help in return, the whole time tearing yourself apart on the inside, and for how long?

[She takes advantage of his leaning closer, pulling him even closer, into a hug. A firm, warm embrace, letting him know he was not alone.]

I am so sorry. Nobody should ever have to go through that by themselves.

it is the only cuddly icon I have of them, the others are just sad or dumb

[aim_exorable]

[Being held so tightly draws out a small noise from the back of his throat and before he knows it, he clings to her, hands pressing uncertainly against her. His knees sink down to the ground, to get closer to her height. Because it seems like the only kind of hiding spot, he presses his face against her hair.]

I don't want to ruin things..

[feralfanatic]

[Disciple continues to hold him closely, almost instinctively at this point. Seeing him like this, how vulnerable he was in this moment, just served to further reinforce that she was right about her feelings for him.]

And you will not. I trust in you, Darkleer, with all my being.

I also do not want to ruin what it is that we had, but with everything that we have gone through, with everything that has happened recently, with those feelings welling up inside of me... I just had to say something.

[With one of her hands, she begins to gently caress the back of his head.]

I do not want to force you into anything. I would never do that.

[aim_exorable]

[Have they gone through a lot? It almost doesn't seem it, at least in this place. Perhaps it's the quality of their interactions with one another that seem to have their lives entwined so tightly. Either way, he's not sure he has the right answer, at least right away. All he can think to do is lean against her, exhausted from telling so much.]

I.. I don't know. I'm tired.