Vatheon Voicemail

[feralfanatic]

You have reached the Communication Device of the Disciple.

I am sorry. It looks like I am unable to answer at the moment.

Please leave a message, and I will get back to you.

Comments

[feralfanatic]

[An answer, one that was not an outright no. She released a breath she was not aware she had been holding. Though it seems she still had some work to do.]

I... I may be a bit rusty with the quadrants, they are something I have not had the luxury to dabble with in a long time. What you are describing; a troll giving up on their old life, changing what they stood for, going against orders just to save them, and then to go on and protect them to the best of his ability. That sounds almost storybook.

And as to whether or not you could make me happy...

[She places and arm on his shoulder, reassuringly.]

You already have.

[aim_exorable]

I wasn't pale for you then...

[Of that, he's fairly certain. He knows the old cliches too. It wasn't some long lingering moment where he could feel his heart swell and ache. More like being burned- quick and sharp, lingering even when you instinctively jerked away from that which burned you. Only he hadn't moved away quick enough, when it came to her.]

[The hand on his shoulder makes him glance up at her, fleetingly, from behind the safety of his glasses. Then he's jerking his head away, stomach twisting.]

I made him happy as well, I like to think. Yet in the end, I still did something that ruined things between us forever.

[feralfanatic]

[Well, it certainly seemed that if she were to pursue him, that she needed to know more about what had transpired with his previous attempted moirail.]

If it is okay with you, I would like to hear about what happened.

[aim_exorable]

[Should he? Darkleer can faintly recall frantically trying to explain himself to those who were involved, trying to make them understand. His matesprit dead and not immediately coming back, having just killed the Highblood, all of that... Just thinking about it makes him tired. He raises a hand to press at his eyes, knuckles bumping into his glasses.]

Do you know who I was pale for last...?

[feralfanatic]

[Disciple had been in one of her reclusive moods around then, so no, she had not really heard much about it.]

I... confess that I do not.

[aim_exorable]

Psiioniic.

[It isn't fair- he can still feel his heart twist painfully thinking about him.]

I was one of the few who immediately got to him when he first arrived here in the city. I didn't expect to deal with him much again, but then Equius accidentally ordered him to the hive, and, we simply began to meet more often.

[feralfanatic]

[Oh. She could certainly see the difficulties that might arise from that. The Psii in the bubble was not the Psii she remembered. His time after the death of Signless changed him worse then her own exile.]

[There was much more to this story, however. She keeps her hand and his arm and urges him to continue with a small nod and a slight smile.]

[aim_exorable]

[The prompt does its job. It might still be a sensitive wound, as Darkleer is certainly one to linger on thoughts and feelings, and it hurts thinking on it. Still, she wants to know.]

At first it was simply an excuse to get out of the hive- and he was clever. Very clever, and if we stuck to questions of logic and science and technology, he could speak for ages. We used to have tea at a cafe... He always chose chamomile, because it is what I gave him our second meeting.

[A pause.]

It was easy to speak to him, not least of all that I knew he would not spill any secrets I entrusted to him. At first because I thought his Helmsman programming would defer to my blood, then because I thought it simply not his nature, and then I even entertained the idea that he cared for me. My conflict over what was right and proper, my uncertainty regarding Lysunder- he knew it. He was so soft and quiet.

[The more he talks the more his free hand goes to some of the hair that drapes across his chest. Periodically, he seems to tug at it, wrapping it around his fingers, tugging some more. A truly nervous habit he doesn't like to show.]

How could any not pity him? I never even knew him much before, but even I had heard the stories, had seen some of his skill in action. He was so quiet, now, after so long of talking with him I simply couldn't help but want to protect him. I thought I was protecting him...

[A particularly harsh tug.]

I proposed to him. Everyone was always insinuating a relationship anyway, and he seemed content when we were with one another. But he rejected me out of his own insecurities, at least that is what I was told. Perhaps it was a bad idea to try and coax it into a quadrant despite what others said. I thought we could still be friend if nothing else...

[feralfanatic]

[Oh, And here she was having chamomile, reminding him of all of this. Disciple resolved to find a different tea for when they were together.]

[She could also fully understand the pity he felt for Psii, like he said, who could not? Then there was the last bit he said. With a bit of a bitter thought, she considered how practically word for word it was something she might be saying to someone else down the line about what transpired today. She shakes her out of her train of thought, it would just lead to more self-hatred.]

[And again there was still more to be told. This time she tilts her head onto his arm, and waits for him to continue, not wanting to interrupt his flow.]

[aim_exorable]

[Now that he's started, it's almost difficult to stop. He's wanted to talk about this for so long, but the one person he could pour out to had left him. For his own good, yes, but still.]

Then there was Mindfang- younger, then how she is now, and we have a history- we always have a history. [A tired note creeps into his voice, and he can't get rid of it.] But she and him began to get closer. I almost didn't think anything of it, but she started to become interested in him as well...

He even made her a pile.

Which she invited me to.

...It was complicated, and aggravating, but maybe.. Maybe we could have worked things out. I'm not sure. He was complicated to begin with, and Mindfang has a habit of throwing wrenches into plans.

But.

[Another pause. A rather lengthy one, in fact, and he tugs so hard on his hair that a couple of loose strands are pulled out and hang limply across his knuckles.]

One day, I tried calling Summoner but he would not respond. I went searching and eventually found his blood on the island. He and the Highblood have always had an odd relationship, I shouldn't have thought twice about it but I was hoping it wasn't what I knew deep down was true... I tried to ask for information, and for a few, I told them of my suspicions.

Psiioniic among them.

I told many I would not go after him, and I half believed myself. I thought better control of myself. But Psiioniic didn't want me to confront him. Normally, I could listen, and he had held me back from violent impulses before, but, it... It was just yellow text at the time. I was just so angry, and I was trying hard not to be, everything felt far away. I was responding to every little text response telling me not to confront him but they simply were not getting through.

It did not help that this was not the first time the Highblood had hurt those close to me... He had set off the chucklevoodoos in Equius' mind, and had attacked Gamzee. Lysunder was the last straw, and when he showed me how he had torn off his wings and kept them over video-

[His voice cuts out on him, half remembered despair flooding him, and half rage that's honestly still fresh. Talking just isn't happening anymore, not with how tightly his throat is closing in on itself. Disciple might be able to feel him shaking slightly beneath her touch with the two intense emotions even as he struggles to keep his face stoic.]

[feralfanatic]

[A pit starts to form in her gut the more he speaks, hearing the tale of how everything went down. The further in the story he gets the more she is enveloped by a sympathetic misery. To have to go through all of that, and to bottle it up all inside...]

[When the topic turns to Lysunder's death, and she feels him shaking though, that finally sets her off.]

[Before she fully realizes what exactly she was doing, she maneuvers around to his front, and despite their difference in size, the oliveblood reaches up to place hands on either side of his neck, in an attempt to reassure him.]

Shhh, its okay... you do not need to say any more. I understand.[She tries to smile, despite herself.]

I know first-hand how difficult it is to lose control of yourself like that. I know it all too well, in fact. That stinging deep inside you feel, knowing you were not strong enough control yourself, knowing that you are capable of hurting those around you. It is a wound that never fully heals, because every time you see those you hurt, it just opens right back up...

It... is why I am so glad I got the opportunity to know you. When Signless was drowned by Him, and I... lost myself, you were there to save me... For what little it is worth, I am sorry I was not there to save you in return.

[aim_exorable]

I just wanted to protect him...

[His voice is small and tight. It's all he can force out. It's the truth, after all. Certainly, there were other things at play- his relationship with the Grand Highblood is old and complicated. But he did want to protect Psiioniic. Psiioniic, Equius, Gamzee, Nepeta... All of them.]

[As she touches him, his shoulders go limp and he can't help but lean closer against it. The more she speaks, the more he feels something in him twist. None of them had understood, maybe because they weren't highbloods or hadn't had the beast go after their loved ones, but she...]

[She understands.]

They didn't either... He didn't. He kept blaming himself, and nothing I said seemed to make any difference. None of the others.... They wanted me to just leave him alone. Because I was making things worse.

Drat! I was gonna use that icon next. I like yours better though.

[feralfanatic]

Darkleer...

[Her voice drops a little, thick with compassion.]

This entire time... you have been dwelling on all of this; Trying to help but being unable to do so, not getting any help in return, the whole time tearing yourself apart on the inside, and for how long?

[She takes advantage of his leaning closer, pulling him even closer, into a hug. A firm, warm embrace, letting him know he was not alone.]

I am so sorry. Nobody should ever have to go through that by themselves.

it is the only cuddly icon I have of them, the others are just sad or dumb

[aim_exorable]

[Being held so tightly draws out a small noise from the back of his throat and before he knows it, he clings to her, hands pressing uncertainly against her. His knees sink down to the ground, to get closer to her height. Because it seems like the only kind of hiding spot, he presses his face against her hair.]

I don't want to ruin things..

[feralfanatic]

[Disciple continues to hold him closely, almost instinctively at this point. Seeing him like this, how vulnerable he was in this moment, just served to further reinforce that she was right about her feelings for him.]

And you will not. I trust in you, Darkleer, with all my being.

I also do not want to ruin what it is that we had, but with everything that we have gone through, with everything that has happened recently, with those feelings welling up inside of me... I just had to say something.

[With one of her hands, she begins to gently caress the back of his head.]

I do not want to force you into anything. I would never do that.

[aim_exorable]

[Have they gone through a lot? It almost doesn't seem it, at least in this place. Perhaps it's the quality of their interactions with one another that seem to have their lives entwined so tightly. Either way, he's not sure he has the right answer, at least right away. All he can think to do is lean against her, exhausted from telling so much.]

I.. I don't know. I'm tired.

[feralfanatic]

[Quality indeed, for she has not even been here half a sweep, and already he had affected her as deeply as he had.]

Well, we have been standing in the kitchen. If you would like you could lie down in the other room, I do have the fluffy cat bed someone got for me, and it has been an... exhausting day.

[Then the option she does not like as much...]

Or, if you want, you could return to your hive. Take have some time to think about everything. I would certainly understand.

[aim_exorable]

[He should go home. That's the smart thing. This is all too fast and confusing, terrifying, even, on some level. She has such an impact on him, he almost doesn't know what to do.]

[He gives a small nod against her shoulder.]

The cat seems... nice.

[feralfanatic]

[She moves to break from the hug, albeit a little reluctantly, but walking as is would be difficult.]

Okay how about this, you go in and lie down, and I will fetch you some blankets? They are all in my respiteblock at the moment.

[Getting the blankets had two purposes. First was obviously comfort, but secondly she was not exactly sure if he wanted company on the kitty bed, so she was giving him the chance to choose. If he left her room, then she would know.]

[aim_exorable]

I... suppose that is agreeable.

[The idea that he might need blankets just for laying down feels a bit odd, like napping in the stable with his lusus and having hay pushed onto him. Awkwardly, he gets up to his feet and seems to waver. Uncertain as he is towards just about everything right now, he's watching her for the first move.]

[feralfanatic]

Very well, then. I will return shortly.

[With a slight smile, and a pat on his arm, she turns and disappears into the depths of the hive, seeking the blankets she keeps in her block.]

[aim_exorable]

Okay...

[After a second's hesitation, he goes back to the living room and stares at the large cat plush he initially got her for the Christmas holiday. Not once did he imagine he would ever be interacting with it. Awkwardly, he settles against it.]

[...He's not comfortable like this.]

[Whenever Disciple comes back, she'll find Darkleer fidgeting all about the cat plush in an attempt to find some sort of position that will make him feel less fidgety. It isn't working that well.]

[feralfanatic]

[About a minute later, she returns to the room, carrying an armful of blankets. Seeing him fidgeting about on the cat plush, Disciple cannot help herself, a smile springs to her face. He certainly could be cute at times, not that she would ever say that out loud.]

Having troubles? Here, maybe these will help.

[She proceeds over to him, dropping the blankets in a heap at the foot of the cat plush. The oliveblood will then reach down and grab for one of them, and proceed to open it up and wrap it about herself. She still hesitates to take a seat, either on the plush or the couch, unsure of what he would feel comfortable with.]

[aim_exorable]

...Ah.

[Oh golly, someone actually saw that. How embarrassing.]

It is a possibility, I suppose.

[Reaching over, Darkleer picks at the edge of one blanket before starting to pull the whole thing closer. He's not really sure if he wants to wrap himself in one. The idea feels like it would be... childish, or something. He is an adult!]

[...So that's not a pile he's making kind of around and near the stomach of the cat plush. It just happens to look like a pile. That he's nervously reclining on.]

[feralfanatic]

[Still not fully sure, she decides to just go for it. It would not be Darkleer, after all, if he was easy to read. As carefully as she can she lies down to his side, more leaning against the cat plush then on it, plus she was still wrapped in her blanket... That was sort of safer, right?]

Did they- help at all?